GOD HOLDS PRESS CONFERENCE

Last night while CNN, MSNBC, FOX, and other major networks were chasing down leads, God held a press conference. And while they were not there to capture this most significant moment, yours truly was there. And when the world hears what God had to say it will shock and shake the very foundations of society. Here is what God had to say:

“I want to begin by thanking all of you for being here. I have some very important news to share. I want to open up with an apology to all those who have been offended by the Bible. I am sincerely sorry that I didn’t pay closer attention to those who were writing and deciding which books should have been included. I just didn’t realize how they misunderstood me. And I say, not as an excuse but as a matter of fact, that I don’t know that I could have even controlled what they did. In retrospect when I gave Moses the Law, I should have clarified the difference between moral laws and health laws. That mistake falls on us–It, It, and It. Saying this is my apology to those who are offended by the designation of Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. I didn’t have a clue this language could be considered offensive. But I acknowledge it is offensive and harmful, and apologize for allowing such harmful language to be used to describe us.

It troubles me to admit, but we didn’t know how much wiser this creation would be than we who created you. Furthermore, I apologize for not apologizing sooner. We now realize that we should have spoken up sooner. This failure rests on us and us alone. Reparations for this grievous mistake of ours is that all things that We thought were sins but not really sins are no longer sins effective immediately. You are forgiven and released from our incorrect ideas. When we created human beings we had no idea how enlightened and wise you would become. We did not consider the full consequences of making you in OUR image. I also apoligize to Adam and Eve for the way I mistreated them that day. We just didn’t see how any good could come from The Fall. But we were wrong. Please forgive us.

And now, to begin to rectify this great evil we have caused, I am declaring what has been called “The Bible” to be null and void when it comes to this thing called sin. I will be calling upon an elite group of enlightened minds to put together a “new” Bible–one that will be easier to follow and not be so offensive. To this end I am calling upon Bishop Ken Carter, Bishop Karen Oliveto, Adam Hamilton, and Ms. Penny Cost (THE Drag Queen Pastor) to rewrite the entire Bible. They are free to add any additional members to this Committe. We will have no part in the decision making processes. I am relinquishing any influence over them, unless they ask me for assistance. And even then, I will be very cautious to offer them advice, seeing how I messed up the current Bible.

I am so looking forward to their great work, eager to learn from Our mistakes. I want to assure them that when they complete this Great Task, I will breathe on their work and declare it to be The New Bible For Now And All Future Generations! And with their Great Work, I will review all the cases of persons judged to be guilty under the Old Bible. And if they are not guilty under The New Bible, I will restore them to Heaven immediately. I’ve been silent too long. Tonight it stops! And I encourage you to pray for Ken, Karen, Adam, and Ms. Penny as they lead us out of the darkness. Thank you for allowing me to share this with you, and We pray that someday you will forgive us.

Editor’s Note: In case you haven’t figured this out, it called “Satire”!

The Wailing Heard Around The World!

Did you hear it yesterday? There was a wailing that beset and enveloped the globe yesterday. Facebook and Instagram was missing in action! And panic quickly ensued and consumed the hearts and minds of billions. Scientists were quickly scrambling to see if the earth suddenly stopped spinning. Is the Zombie Apocalypse about to happen? Is the world about to end? Is our Sun about to go super nova and all people have worked so hard for about to become a black hole? Are the stock markets about to crash? And how can they express their pain of not having Facebook if there is no Facebook?

I mean, how will their thousands of “friends” know what they had for lunch? How will their “friends” know how unfair life is treating them. How will they discover their next “life hack”? How will their “friends” know where they are, what they are seeing? How in the world will they communicate with their “friends”? How will their function without their beloved “Facebook Fact Checkers”?

And we thought 2020 was the most horrible year of all. But oh such dark hours on Monday, the fourth of October of 2021. So many were left befuddled and confused. What use is there for their phones if Facebook and Instagram aren’t working? Many were feeling a deep emptiness and a crushing and devastating darkness consuming their lives. I wonder if suicide crisis lines were being overwhelmed with calls.

But then, just as mysteriously as it disappeared, Facebook and Instagram were back. The clouds began to part–they were reunited with their “friends”. And now everyone will know the despair and pain they felt in those dark, dark, ominous hours when “there was no Facebook and Instagram”!

Well, guess what, Buttercup? The world kept on spinning. The stock markets didn’t crash. Your “friends” survived not know what you were eating or where you were at. The sun didn’t go super nova and a black hole didn’t happen. But for some time to come they will ask the question with a tear still in there eyes, “Do you remember where you were on 10-4?”

And The Verdict Is. . .

As of last night the CDC reports there are 122,653 of confirmed and presumptive positive cases of COVID-19 reported to CDC or tested at CDC since January 21, 2020 in the United States. This number is up from Saturday evening’s number of 103,321. People in the U.S. are panic buying. It started with toilet paper and hand sanitizer and now it’s milk, bread, eggs and God knows what else. People are scooping up self-rising flour who have never made a biscuit in their life! And the jury has reached a verdict.

Most people in the United States are found GUILTY of Having No Common Sense And Are Acting Stupid! It took the jury only 3 seconds to reach this verdict. When you consider the evidence it is no surprise at all. Just look at the evidence:

  • You ask a student “You have 3 apples and give 1 apple to your friend, how many are left?” and rather than the student imagine 3 apples, take away 1 and count what’s left, which is 1 then 2, 2 apples left, they have replaced it with common core math. To find the answer you take the circumference of Saturn, divide that by the number of species of ducks, multiply that answer by the temperature on the surface of Mercury, then subtract the number of Wal-Marts in the world, divided by 7.68345690 and subtract the number of people who will buy eggs today and Voila! The answer is 2!
  • Participation Trophies! You have achieved greatness by simply being present. Forget effort. Forget skill and ability. Besides, it’s plain meanness to reward success!
  • Entitlement has become the norm. Who needs perseverance? What’s the value in trying and learning from failure? You exist therefore you deserve!
  • Administrators tell teachers, “You have to teach for the state tests. Forget knowledge and wisdom–it’s the scores on those tests that matter most. NOT the students needs, but OUR need to score high on those tests!”
  • Many school systems have taken out vocational/technical schools because it’s more important for the students to go to college in order for them to ask “Would you like a fried apple pie with this order?” The number of high school students who receive a college degree looks great on the paperwork!
  • Speaking of college, OY VEY! Professors have concluded that they are the experts in their fields and are the sole depository of knowledge, and expect their students to be their little minions who perpetuate their jabber and twaddle. (if you don’t know the meaning of twaddle, look it up!) Cemetery Professors, excuse me, that should have been Seminary Professors, are the absolute worst!
  • And parents? OY VEY! OY VEY! OY VEY! They want to be their child’s friend! Great gobbledygook! This is enough evidence by itself to arrive at that Guilty Verdict!
  • Morality, what is right and wrong, good and bad, is determined by the individual rather than proven standards, such as the Bible. They even encourage their children to find their own gender rather than accept what nature gave them.
  • Consequences? What’s that? People are protected from the consequences of their choices and actions. There is always someone else, something else to blame. Oy gevalt! Bupkes! That’s mishegas! It’s bupkes! Go ahead and kvetsh if it makes you feel better! (I love Yiddish!)
  • And finally, it’s more important to be kind than truthful–especially when truth hurts. A president once challenged this nation to be a kinder and gentler nation. Well, people accepted the challenge, and look at the mess we’re in!

Look at this nation now. More and more people are thinking more and more about themselves while thinking less and less about others. I heard one story of a shopper who was buying up milk. The business only allowed 2 gallons to be purchased. So she bought 2 gallons; then went back in a went through the self checkout with 2 more gallons. This continued until she had her minivan full of milk. Another shopper was doing the same with toilet paper until an astute associate saw what she was doing and cut her off!

There was a time when you didn’t need a declaration from the government to stay at home if you were sick. It was called Common Sense and Decency! There was a time when people cared more about others than themselves. There was a time when valor and restraint were considered virtues. There was a time when hard work was noble and the dream people held dear. And there was a time when it was appropriate to call out, in a kind way, stupidity in others. Well. . . what can I say? Too many people are null and void when it comes to common sense–and are stupid, I say, absolutely stupid! They make the 3 Stooges look like clones of Albert Einstein.

Throw It Out There Thursday News Flash

(Writer’s Note: This is NOT an endorsement of any elected official, nor is it denouncing any political party. Any resemblance to this is strictly satirical)

On December 18, at approximately 8:23 pm E.T., Wisdom was viciously attacked in Washington D.C. by a mob of 230 men and women leaving Wisdom with life-threatening injuries.  Wisdom was quickly taken to Walter Reed Medical Center and is reportedly on life-support.  A team of doctors there, along with a team from Johns Hopkins and the Mayo Clinic have joined their efforts to bring Wisdom back from what seems to be the brink of death.

Speaking on the condition of anonymity, an aide of one of the attackers told this reporter, and I quote, “It’s about time!  Wisdom is an aged fool that keeps getting in the way of our plans and agenda.  Wisdom needed to go into retirement on a deserted island.”  I managed to locate Wisdom’s twin, Common Sense.  Common Sense has been in a weakened state for years due to not being used.  Common Sense told this reporter, again I quote, “I have long dreaded this day.  I now fear my own death is more imminent now that ever.  If my twin, Wisdom dies, then I shall also die.”

Lady Liberty arrived as soon as she heard about Wisdom’s condition.  In a prepared statement she said, “I am gravely concerned about the future of Wisdom.  Your founding fathers relied heavily upon Wisdom to form this republic.  Even those founders who did not believe in the God of the Judaeo-Christian heritage, recognized both the importance and need for Wisdom.  They knew this Republic would never last without Wisdom.  And myself?  If Wisdom dies, I know that they will successfully kill me.”

It is my personal observation that throughout the history of this famed republic that Wisdom has been attacked many times.  Each time Wisdom prevailed.  But this time?  I am left unsure.  All we can do is watch and wait.  We will stay on top of this developing story until Wisdom dies; or Wisdom prevails.