Last night while CNN, MSNBC, FOX, and other major networks were chasing down leads, God held a press conference. And while they were not there to capture this most significant moment, yours truly was there. And when the world hears what God had to say it will shock and shake the very foundations of society. Here is what God had to say:
“I want to begin by thanking all of you for being here. I have some very important news to share. I want to open up with an apology to all those who have been offended by the Bible. I am sincerely sorry that I didn’t pay closer attention to those who were writing and deciding which books should have been included. I just didn’t realize how they misunderstood me. And I say, not as an excuse but as a matter of fact, that I don’t know that I could have even controlled what they did. In retrospect when I gave Moses the Law, I should have clarified the difference between moral laws and health laws. That mistake falls on us–It, It, and It. Saying this is my apology to those who are offended by the designation of Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. I didn’t have a clue this language could be considered offensive. But I acknowledge it is offensive and harmful, and apologize for allowing such harmful language to be used to describe us.
It troubles me to admit, but we didn’t know how much wiser this creation would be than we who created you. Furthermore, I apologize for not apologizing sooner. We now realize that we should have spoken up sooner. This failure rests on us and us alone. Reparations for this grievous mistake of ours is that all things that We thought were sins but not really sins are no longer sins effective immediately. You are forgiven and released from our incorrect ideas. When we created human beings we had no idea how enlightened and wise you would become. We did not consider the full consequences of making you in OUR image. I also apoligize to Adam and Eve for the way I mistreated them that day. We just didn’t see how any good could come from The Fall. But we were wrong. Please forgive us.
And now, to begin to rectify this great evil we have caused, I am declaring what has been called “The Bible” to be null and void when it comes to this thing called sin. I will be calling upon an elite group of enlightened minds to put together a “new” Bible–one that will be easier to follow and not be so offensive. To this end I am calling upon Bishop Ken Carter, Bishop Karen Oliveto, Adam Hamilton, and Ms. Penny Cost (THE Drag Queen Pastor) to rewrite the entire Bible. They are free to add any additional members to this Committe. We will have no part in the decision making processes. I am relinquishing any influence over them, unless they ask me for assistance. And even then, I will be very cautious to offer them advice, seeing how I messed up the current Bible.
I am so looking forward to their great work, eager to learn from Our mistakes. I want to assure them that when they complete this Great Task, I will breathe on their work and declare it to be The New Bible For Now And All Future Generations! And with their Great Work, I will review all the cases of persons judged to be guilty under the Old Bible. And if they are not guilty under The New Bible, I will restore them to Heaven immediately. I’ve been silent too long. Tonight it stops! And I encourage you to pray for Ken, Karen, Adam, and Ms. Penny as they lead us out of the darkness. Thank you for allowing me to share this with you, and We pray that someday you will forgive us.
Editor’s Note: In case you haven’t figured this out, it called “Satire”!