ARKANSAS HOSTAGE SITUATION: DAY 27 UPDATE

(This piece is entirely satirical with a dose of sarcasm. This is written expressly for Traditional Orthodox United Methodists who have not yet disaffiliated and/or believe there will be room for them in the Post-Separation United Methodist Church. Any resemblance to the underlying truth is strictly intentional.)

(From the WHY News Network) On November 19, 2022 a hostage situation happened as the afore unknown terrorist group calling themselves The Arkansas Annual Conference took and held hostage 3 congregations in Arkansas. These churches, Jonesboro First, Searcy First, and Cabot United Methodist Churches, are now known as The Arkansas Three. After meeting all of the requirements to disaffiliate from the United Methodist Church, they were denied the right to exit. Not much as been heard since then. (You can read our previous news article here)

Yesterday, December 16, a dramatic and forceful turn of events occurred that leaves this reporter wondering if The Arkansas Three will ever know freedom again. Ayatollah Gary Mueller, head of the terrorist group, released a Weapon of Mass Destruction on Jonesboro First called Paragraph 2549.3. Ayatollah Mueller declared “exigent circumstances” and seized all property and assets of Jonesboro First; effectively taking control away from the congregation and its leadership.

In an attempt to maintain control, Ayatollah Mueller also released another Weapon of Mass Destruction known as Paragraph 362.1d against their pastor, Rev. John Miles. This weapon not only removes him as pastor of Jonesboro First, but denies him the right to function as a United Methodist pastor. This weapon was unleashed against Rev. Miles by 5 of Ayatollah Mueller’s clerics known in the terrorist organization as District Superintendents. There will be an impending trial against Rev. Miles.

This reporter has learned of the events that have led up to the escalation of this crisis situation. Leaders from within the congregation approached Rev. Miles with a request to hold a public meeting concerning this hostage situation. Apparently, upon learning of this meeting, Ayatollah Mueller informed Rev. Miles that no such meeting should occur and ordered him to announce the cancellation of the meeting. Rev. Miles allowed the meeting to occur. During this meeting, the congregation selected an ad hoc committee to represent all of the church to negotiate a resolution to this hostage situation and allow Jonesboro First to be set free. Instead of dialogue, Ayatollah Mueller unleashed those weapons of Mass Destruct the day after the Forbidden Meeting. Questions from this reporter have gone unanswered. However, Ayatollah Mueller did send out this press release.

While seeking the rationale for this decision, someone close to the headquarters of the Arkansas Annual Conference, and to Ayatollah Mueller, was willing to talk freely about the unleashing of these Weapons of Mass Destruction on the condition of anonymity. This anonymous source said: “It is the belief and conviction of the Ayatollah that we just can’t allow congregations to think for themselves. It’s crucial to “The Cause” to maintain complete and absolute control over both the situation and the narrative. WE know what God wants. Jonesboro First is just a bunch of ignorant and uninformed group of trouble makers. WE had spoken a resounding NO to their disaffiliation and they just needed to get in line. And because they were unwilling, it became necessary to use these Weapons of Mass Destruction. We are hopeful now, that any other congregation, including the other 2 of what you call The Arkansas Three, considering disaffiliation will shut down the process immediately. These exigent circumstance were necessary since the provisions of Paragraph 2553 cease to exist after December 31, 2023. After then, we will have absolute control.”

When asked why the Ayatollah had not sought that other groups within the United Methodist Church abide by and enforce the Book Of Discipline, the anonymous spokesperson replied, “Those paragraphs are old and obsolete. They needed to have been removed a long time ago. Ayatollah Mueller and other Ayatollahs have determined they need to be removed. So, there is no need to enforce those rules. Those rules hurt other people’s feelings. And we just can’t allow that.”

The irony of Ayatollah Mueller’s press release is that he stated: “I want to ask you to pray that hearts of peace will prevail and a positive way forward will be found.” Apparently the only positive way forward for Jonesboro First, and other like-minded congregations, is to bow in submission to his agenda. He opted to release upon Jonesboro First Paragraphs 2549.3 and 362.1d rather than find a positive way forward. Then Ayatollah Mueller signed his declaration with the words peace and grace. It is rather obvious to this reporter that his actions, and those of his Always Agreeing With Him council offered neither–to Jonesboro First nor any other congregation under their control. It is indeed a sad day when dialog is denied. What happens next? Personally, I shudder at the thought. I will be watching this hostage situation closely and will inform you of any changes. This is Randy Burbank, reporting for WHY News Network.

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HOSTAGE SITUATION: DAY 5

 Just say a simple, ‘Yes, I will,’ or ‘No, I won’t.’ Anything beyond this is from the evil one.

Matthew chapter 5, verse 37; from the New Living Translation (NLT)

(This article is satire. If you are easily offended, you should not read this. This is intended for spiritually mature readers only. Reader discretion is advised!)

(From the WHY News Network) Today is Day 5 of what can only be described as The Arkansas Hostage Situation. The Hostage Situation began this past Saturday, November 19 in Little Rock, Arkansas. It was designed to be a final check to be certain that all congregations seeking disaffiliation had properly followed the disaffiliation process. A group who self-identifies as The Arkansas Annual Conference of the United Methodist Church took 3 congregations hostage. They released 32 other congregations but refused to release First United Methodist Church of Jonesboro, Searcy First United Methodist Church and Cabot United Methodist Church. And, for now at least, these 3 congregations are being held as Hostages by the Arkansas Annual Conference.

Little was known about this radical group before Saturday. An FBI agent who asked to remain anonymous stated: “We were unaware of this Radical Group, and quite frankly, we don’t know what to do.” Though unknown and unnoticed by many, there are those who were aware of this potential abuse happening. To this reporter it appears that their warnings went unheard. And now I am sure that First United Methodist Church of Jonesboro, Searcy First United Methodist Church and Cabot United Methodist Church wished those warnings had been heeded.

Those familiar with the situation said it all started in 2019. The United Methodist Church was embroiled over the issue of human sexuality. The 2019 General Conference was to be the one that was to give a final and definitive statement and position on human sexuality. Many plans had been proposed but the 2 front runners were a more liberal view and a more traditional view. After fractious debates the Traditional Plan passed. And though it was promised by the heads of the United Methodist Church, known as the Council of Bishops, that whichever plan passed would be the final word, that Conference failed to live up to the promise. Those who supported the Traditional Plan have called that Conference The Great Deception.

However, those who were against the approved plan were recalcitrant and intransigent with the outcome. With only limited time remaining for this Session, Rev. Beth Ann Cook proposed a new paragraph to the church’s Book of Discipline known as Paragraph 2553. This would allow congregations who disagreed with the decision a means to graciously exit the United Methodist Church. The caveat was that this provision would expire on 31 December 2023. However, the Rebellion by many leaders within the realm of the Council of Bishops carried out extreme acts in direct violation of what should have been the final word.

So, Paragraph 2553, that was designed and intended to help the more liberalized churches to leave with grace, has become the tool used by Traditional churches to hopefully have a gracious exit from the United Methodist Church. And it appeared that it would work. That is, until The Arkansas Annual Conference chose to hold these 3 congregations hostage. The reverberations of this act of terror has sent shockwaves across other Annual Conferences which will soon hold similar Special Sessions to deal with those churches seeking to disaffiliate. Many are wondering if their Annual Conference will make them hostages as well.

The 3 Hostage Churches had met all of the requirements of Paragraph 2553. Yet, in spite of this, they were taken and are being held as Hostages. The Rev. Beth Ann Cook, author and presenter of Paragraph 2553 recently posted her response to the Arkansas Hostage Situation. The Rev. Cook said this, and I quote: “I’m writing this mostly to process what I’m feeling: grief, disappointment, and frustration.” You can read her entire heart-felt response here.

Jorge Lockward and Beth Ann Cook who were on opposite sides share a holy embrace at the passing of 2553

Surprisingly, the hostages have made brief statements. There words were very carefully chosen as an apparent attempt not to exacerbate the current Hostage Situation. The Rev. John Miles of the Jonesboro First hostages told them: “That’s very discouraging, but y’all it’s not the end of the line,” he said. “There’s much more we can do. And we’ll regroup and we’ll think about it. … When we get back from Thanksgiving, we’ll get together with our administrative board, we’ll get your input and we’ll begin to look at our options for what’s next.”

When asked about the Hostage Situation, Bishop Gary Mueller, head of the Hostage Takers responded that he had complete confidence in the district superintendents and trustees as they worked with churches moving toward disaffiliation. But he also did not second guess the conference members’ decision not to approve the First Jonesboro, Searcy First and Cabot churches’ disaffiliations. Terrorist Leader Bishop Mueller also had this to say, and I quote: “This was United Methodists getting together for conferencing, and they made the decisions they wanted to make.” Searcy First United Methodist’s pastor, the Rev. Jeff Jackson, declined to comment on the special session decision, saying his church is focused on prayer and healing. Leaders of the Cabot United Methodist Church did not immediately respond to request for comment.

Unfortunately, what they wanted has resulted in The Arkansas Hostage Situation. And with no official word about releasing these 3 congregations, one is left to ponder how long this Hostage Situation will last. But for now, this is Day 5 of The Arkansas Hostage Situation and there are no indications how long this will last. All one can do is hope and pray that this horror will end soon and without more casualties and hostages elsewhere. Time will tell. With the deadline of December 31, 2023 looming closer, this reporter wonders how many more Hostages will be taken by the Rogue Organization. But for now, all we can do is wait and see how all this unfolds. This is Randy Burbank, reporting for the WHY Network News. Follow us for more breaking news and updates.

GOD HOLDS PRESS CONFERENCE

Last night while CNN, MSNBC, FOX, and other major networks were chasing down leads, God held a press conference. And while they were not there to capture this most significant moment, yours truly was there. And when the world hears what God had to say it will shock and shake the very foundations of society. Here is what God had to say:

“I want to begin by thanking all of you for being here. I have some very important news to share. I want to open up with an apology to all those who have been offended by the Bible. I am sincerely sorry that I didn’t pay closer attention to those who were writing and deciding which books should have been included. I just didn’t realize how they misunderstood me. And I say, not as an excuse but as a matter of fact, that I don’t know that I could have even controlled what they did. In retrospect when I gave Moses the Law, I should have clarified the difference between moral laws and health laws. That mistake falls on us–It, It, and It. Saying this is my apology to those who are offended by the designation of Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. I didn’t have a clue this language could be considered offensive. But I acknowledge it is offensive and harmful, and apologize for allowing such harmful language to be used to describe us.

It troubles me to admit, but we didn’t know how much wiser this creation would be than we who created you. Furthermore, I apologize for not apologizing sooner. We now realize that we should have spoken up sooner. This failure rests on us and us alone. Reparations for this grievous mistake of ours is that all things that We thought were sins but not really sins are no longer sins effective immediately. You are forgiven and released from our incorrect ideas. When we created human beings we had no idea how enlightened and wise you would become. We did not consider the full consequences of making you in OUR image. I also apoligize to Adam and Eve for the way I mistreated them that day. We just didn’t see how any good could come from The Fall. But we were wrong. Please forgive us.

And now, to begin to rectify this great evil we have caused, I am declaring what has been called “The Bible” to be null and void when it comes to this thing called sin. I will be calling upon an elite group of enlightened minds to put together a “new” Bible–one that will be easier to follow and not be so offensive. To this end I am calling upon Bishop Ken Carter, Bishop Karen Oliveto, Adam Hamilton, and Ms. Penny Cost (THE Drag Queen Pastor) to rewrite the entire Bible. They are free to add any additional members to this Committe. We will have no part in the decision making processes. I am relinquishing any influence over them, unless they ask me for assistance. And even then, I will be very cautious to offer them advice, seeing how I messed up the current Bible.

I am so looking forward to their great work, eager to learn from Our mistakes. I want to assure them that when they complete this Great Task, I will breathe on their work and declare it to be The New Bible For Now And All Future Generations! And with their Great Work, I will review all the cases of persons judged to be guilty under the Old Bible. And if they are not guilty under The New Bible, I will restore them to Heaven immediately. I’ve been silent too long. Tonight it stops! And I encourage you to pray for Ken, Karen, Adam, and Ms. Penny as they lead us out of the darkness. Thank you for allowing me to share this with you, and We pray that someday you will forgive us.

Editor’s Note: In case you haven’t figured this out, it called “Satire”!

The Wailing Heard Around The World!

Did you hear it yesterday? There was a wailing that beset and enveloped the globe yesterday. Facebook and Instagram was missing in action! And panic quickly ensued and consumed the hearts and minds of billions. Scientists were quickly scrambling to see if the earth suddenly stopped spinning. Is the Zombie Apocalypse about to happen? Is the world about to end? Is our Sun about to go super nova and all people have worked so hard for about to become a black hole? Are the stock markets about to crash? And how can they express their pain of not having Facebook if there is no Facebook?

I mean, how will their thousands of “friends” know what they had for lunch? How will their “friends” know how unfair life is treating them. How will they discover their next “life hack”? How will their “friends” know where they are, what they are seeing? How in the world will they communicate with their “friends”? How will their function without their beloved “Facebook Fact Checkers”?

And we thought 2020 was the most horrible year of all. But oh such dark hours on Monday, the fourth of October of 2021. So many were left befuddled and confused. What use is there for their phones if Facebook and Instagram aren’t working? Many were feeling a deep emptiness and a crushing and devastating darkness consuming their lives. I wonder if suicide crisis lines were being overwhelmed with calls.

But then, just as mysteriously as it disappeared, Facebook and Instagram were back. The clouds began to part–they were reunited with their “friends”. And now everyone will know the despair and pain they felt in those dark, dark, ominous hours when “there was no Facebook and Instagram”!

Well, guess what, Buttercup? The world kept on spinning. The stock markets didn’t crash. Your “friends” survived not know what you were eating or where you were at. The sun didn’t go super nova and a black hole didn’t happen. But for some time to come they will ask the question with a tear still in there eyes, “Do you remember where you were on 10-4?”

And The Verdict Is. . .

As of last night the CDC reports there are 122,653 of confirmed and presumptive positive cases of COVID-19 reported to CDC or tested at CDC since January 21, 2020 in the United States. This number is up from Saturday evening’s number of 103,321. People in the U.S. are panic buying. It started with toilet paper and hand sanitizer and now it’s milk, bread, eggs and God knows what else. People are scooping up self-rising flour who have never made a biscuit in their life! And the jury has reached a verdict.

Most people in the United States are found GUILTY of Having No Common Sense And Are Acting Stupid! It took the jury only 3 seconds to reach this verdict. When you consider the evidence it is no surprise at all. Just look at the evidence:

• You ask a student “You have 3 apples and give 1 apple to your friend, how many are left?” and rather than the student imagine 3 apples, take away 1 and count what’s left, which is 1 then 2, 2 apples left, they have replaced it with common core math. To find the answer you take the circumference of Saturn, divide that by the number of species of ducks, multiply that answer by the temperature on the surface of Mercury, then subtract the number of Wal-Marts in the world, divided by 7.68345690 and subtract the number of people who will buy eggs today and Voila! The answer is 2!
• Participation Trophies! You have achieved greatness by simply being present. Forget effort. Forget skill and ability. Besides, it’s plain meanness to reward success!
• Entitlement has become the norm. Who needs perseverance? What’s the value in trying and learning from failure? You exist therefore you deserve!
• Administrators tell teachers, “You have to teach for the state tests. Forget knowledge and wisdom–it’s the scores on those tests that matter most. NOT the students needs, but OUR need to score high on those tests!”
• Many school systems have taken out vocational/technical schools because it’s more important for the students to go to college in order for them to ask “Would you like a fried apple pie with this order?” The number of high school students who receive a college degree looks great on the paperwork!
• Speaking of college, OY VEY! Professors have concluded that they are the experts in their fields and are the sole depository of knowledge, and expect their students to be their little minions who perpetuate their jabber and twaddle. (if you don’t know the meaning of twaddle, look it up!) Cemetery Professors, excuse me, that should have been Seminary Professors, are the absolute worst!
• And parents? OY VEY! OY VEY! OY VEY! They want to be their child’s friend! Great gobbledygook! This is enough evidence by itself to arrive at that Guilty Verdict!
• Morality, what is right and wrong, good and bad, is determined by the individual rather than proven standards, such as the Bible. They even encourage their children to find their own gender rather than accept what nature gave them.
• Consequences? What’s that? People are protected from the consequences of their choices and actions. There is always someone else, something else to blame. Oy gevalt! Bupkes! That’s mishegas! It’s bupkes! Go ahead and kvetsh if it makes you feel better! (I love Yiddish!)
• And finally, it’s more important to be kind than truthful–especially when truth hurts. A president once challenged this nation to be a kinder and gentler nation. Well, people accepted the challenge, and look at the mess we’re in!

Look at this nation now. More and more people are thinking more and more about themselves while thinking less and less about others. I heard one story of a shopper who was buying up milk. The business only allowed 2 gallons to be purchased. So she bought 2 gallons; then went back in a went through the self checkout with 2 more gallons. This continued until she had her minivan full of milk. Another shopper was doing the same with toilet paper until an astute associate saw what she was doing and cut her off!

There was a time when you didn’t need a declaration from the government to stay at home if you were sick. It was called Common Sense and Decency! There was a time when people cared more about others than themselves. There was a time when valor and restraint were considered virtues. There was a time when hard work was noble and the dream people held dear. And there was a time when it was appropriate to call out, in a kind way, stupidity in others. Well. . . what can I say? Too many people are null and void when it comes to common sense–and are stupid, I say, absolutely stupid! They make the 3 Stooges look like clones of Albert Einstein.

Throw It Out There Thursday News Flash

(Writer’s Note: This is NOT an endorsement of any elected official, nor is it denouncing any political party. Any resemblance to this is strictly satirical)

On December 18, at approximately 8:23 pm E.T., Wisdom was viciously attacked in Washington D.C. by a mob of 230 men and women leaving Wisdom with life-threatening injuries.  Wisdom was quickly taken to Walter Reed Medical Center and is reportedly on life-support.  A team of doctors there, along with a team from Johns Hopkins and the Mayo Clinic have joined their efforts to bring Wisdom back from what seems to be the brink of death.

Speaking on the condition of anonymity, an aide of one of the attackers told this reporter, and I quote, “It’s about time!  Wisdom is an aged fool that keeps getting in the way of our plans and agenda.  Wisdom needed to go into retirement on a deserted island.”  I managed to locate Wisdom’s twin, Common Sense.  Common Sense has been in a weakened state for years due to not being used.  Common Sense told this reporter, again I quote, “I have long dreaded this day.  I now fear my own death is more imminent now that ever.  If my twin, Wisdom dies, then I shall also die.”

Lady Liberty arrived as soon as she heard about Wisdom’s condition.  In a prepared statement she said, “I am gravely concerned about the future of Wisdom.  Your founding fathers relied heavily upon Wisdom to form this republic.  Even those founders who did not believe in the God of the Judaeo-Christian heritage, recognized both the importance and need for Wisdom.  They knew this Republic would never last without Wisdom.  And myself?  If Wisdom dies, I know that they will successfully kill me.”

It is my personal observation that throughout the history of this famed republic that Wisdom has been attacked many times.  Each time Wisdom prevailed.  But this time?  I am left unsure.  All we can do is watch and wait.  We will stay on top of this developing story until Wisdom dies; or Wisdom prevails.